(Husband sits on the edge of the stage)
Husband: "So I'm standing in a health food store checking out the vitamin section,
when a girl next to me asks the salesclerk, 'Do you have something to help calm
your nerves.... oh, it's not for me... it's for a friend.' Bingo! That's just what I
needed to hear! Remember, it was just a few hours earlier that I was noticing that
I was shaking like a frozen swimmer. Sort of a sign don't you think that my nerves are shot?! Instantly, I remembered a radio program on XM Radio talking about herbs and not once but three times Dr. Oz and his guest agreed upon their favorite herb for all-around mental being and rejuvenation. I picked up my digital recorder and recorded the name: Ashwaghanda. And thanks to this magic herb, I've been able to ride the waves of irreconcilable differences.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Act 3
(Husband gets up from chair and walks around the stage)
Husband: "What a beautiful sunny day! Saturday is here and my wife is three thousand miles away. It took me awhile to wake up this morning but I slept like a baby and feel recharged. Being a bachelor is pretty fantastic!
I mean, after thirty years of marriage, what can I say but I've been domesticated. I actually know how to clean a kitchen before going to bed at night and how to do my own laundry. I even know how to change my sheets and wash them.
I'll get into the nitty-gritty of my wife's and my irreconcilable differences in the next act, but right now, it's too beautiful a day for that. Time to get outside and enjoy this glorious day.
It's time to take a break from prepping and just be.
My wife won't let me be, tries to prevent me from stocking up on provisions for two main reasons. Reason #1 she thinks the world can never change. Reason #2 is the more tricky. It's a reason that I didn't understand until I decided to put my foot down
regarding prepping. When I was still in wimpy prep mode, buying a few extra cartons of organic rice or almond milk seemed like a big step. And it was. And the five extra packs of garbage bags and two six packs of toilet paper, that I caught hell for, seemed like a really big steps. And the year of toothbrushes for the whole family that I ordered on Amazon was a pretty swift move. I found a brand that has three replacement bristles with every toothbrush. I got those past my wife's radar without too much trouble. But the paper bowls that I bought for our kitty cat, they are bright white, almost like white neon and they stick out like a sore thumb. That's when I had to ask myself, 'Are you a man or a mouse? Hiding paper bowls in the house!' What would tough guys in the hood think about that?!
Ah, and then there are the seeds. The nitrogen-packed seeds in big plastic tubes. That's when TSHTF. I mean I'll take a little BS. But that's the whole point of this melodrama. Sometimes you have to please yourself. Yes, the synopsis of this play is simple: take a little BS, but there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand. When the smoke is drifting over your town and starting to drop ashes in your yard, you can't just stand there and do nothing and pretend that nothing is happening. You have an opportunity to be a man. What a blessing. Dare to take it!
Weaklings can't prep. And prepping cannot be done by a penny pincher. My wife,
God bless her, is like a Japanese housewife, she's an amazing bookkeeper. And this is why I am moving out. Buying an extra case of cat food, a few bags of rice just don't cut it. I didn't know it a month ago, but as soon as I got serious about prepping, I quickly learned that it takes a substantial amount of capital. Now tell me, just how am I going to get it past my 'Japanese accountant'? 'Oh, honey, I bought $3,000 or guns yesterday and another $1,000 of seeds.' Right. I mean, I would rather you just tie me to a post and give me twenty lashes. I can take that kind of abuse. But torture me verbally, morning, noon and night for buying twenty pounds of rice, and I am fighting back. I am going to click my heels together and feel the power. The power that I always had but never trusted.
Husband: "What a beautiful sunny day! Saturday is here and my wife is three thousand miles away. It took me awhile to wake up this morning but I slept like a baby and feel recharged. Being a bachelor is pretty fantastic!
I mean, after thirty years of marriage, what can I say but I've been domesticated. I actually know how to clean a kitchen before going to bed at night and how to do my own laundry. I even know how to change my sheets and wash them.
I'll get into the nitty-gritty of my wife's and my irreconcilable differences in the next act, but right now, it's too beautiful a day for that. Time to get outside and enjoy this glorious day.
It's time to take a break from prepping and just be.
My wife won't let me be, tries to prevent me from stocking up on provisions for two main reasons. Reason #1 she thinks the world can never change. Reason #2 is the more tricky. It's a reason that I didn't understand until I decided to put my foot down
regarding prepping. When I was still in wimpy prep mode, buying a few extra cartons of organic rice or almond milk seemed like a big step. And it was. And the five extra packs of garbage bags and two six packs of toilet paper, that I caught hell for, seemed like a really big steps. And the year of toothbrushes for the whole family that I ordered on Amazon was a pretty swift move. I found a brand that has three replacement bristles with every toothbrush. I got those past my wife's radar without too much trouble. But the paper bowls that I bought for our kitty cat, they are bright white, almost like white neon and they stick out like a sore thumb. That's when I had to ask myself, 'Are you a man or a mouse? Hiding paper bowls in the house!' What would tough guys in the hood think about that?!
Ah, and then there are the seeds. The nitrogen-packed seeds in big plastic tubes. That's when TSHTF. I mean I'll take a little BS. But that's the whole point of this melodrama. Sometimes you have to please yourself. Yes, the synopsis of this play is simple: take a little BS, but there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand. When the smoke is drifting over your town and starting to drop ashes in your yard, you can't just stand there and do nothing and pretend that nothing is happening. You have an opportunity to be a man. What a blessing. Dare to take it!
Weaklings can't prep. And prepping cannot be done by a penny pincher. My wife,
God bless her, is like a Japanese housewife, she's an amazing bookkeeper. And this is why I am moving out. Buying an extra case of cat food, a few bags of rice just don't cut it. I didn't know it a month ago, but as soon as I got serious about prepping, I quickly learned that it takes a substantial amount of capital. Now tell me, just how am I going to get it past my 'Japanese accountant'? 'Oh, honey, I bought $3,000 or guns yesterday and another $1,000 of seeds.' Right. I mean, I would rather you just tie me to a post and give me twenty lashes. I can take that kind of abuse. But torture me verbally, morning, noon and night for buying twenty pounds of rice, and I am fighting back. I am going to click my heels together and feel the power. The power that I always had but never trusted.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Act 2
(Husband sits in his easy chair and looks at the audience)
Husband: "Welcome to the modern world. A world where 2 trillion dollars can
evaporate in a day.
I'm glad I passed on our family's annual business meeting this weekend in California. By the time my wife and daughter arrived in Chicago to change planes for
San Francisco, the market had already dropped 418 points.
I could have used a weekend at that beautiful luxury resort on the California coast.
Walking on the spectacular beach with exotic driftwood. Wading in the glorious frothy surf and feeling the sweet breeze from Hawaii.
But I'm content staying here. I don't have a "home" anymore, I'm just "here." Being alone. It gives me time to think.
Thank God it's Friday. I can just picture the cocktail parties on
Martha's Vineyard this weekend. They won't be talking sports.
If I was ten years younger, I'd use this time to escape. I'd be packing my bags and on my way to the airport. To where? Anywhere. Singapore. Hong Kong. I'd just jump the open-air prison fence where I live and I'd be on my way. Just like Morgan Freeman at the end of the movie Shawshank Redemption. On my way to better life.
It's great being alone and walking around the yard, remembering all the happy times when our children would run and play and rough house with each other running barefoot in the grass. That's gold that no thief can steal.
Sure, I'll miss our beautiful country home. But I'd be a fool to complain. Ten years in a wonderful location is worth much more than money. And the money that I have lost this past year by being frozen out of the gold market by my wife's "court order" - well, I have to say that it pissed me off for a day or two. But in a way
it has helped to give me a more philosophical perspective on everything: money, life, health, freedom. I mean you can't take it with you. So who really cares if you
have ten instead of twenty gold coins in safe deposit box?
Well, for ten years, I did have gold coins in a safe deposit box. I had rolls and rolls of them at a bank in Toronto. It didn't make me any happier or wiser. One day I sold the coins. Hey, maybe that's why my wife is giving me such a hard time about
gold and silver?! For being such a fool for selling all that physical gold?! OK, I admit it. I was a fool. Young and foolish.
I guess that's the whole point that I am dealing with. You are who you are. The moment you pretend to be someone else, well, guess what? You've created your own
open-air prison! And because you are being a fool, chances are, unless you are a wise old men or woman, you are not going to admit it. You are going to spend your precious energy protecting your foolishness,. In doing so, you will never experience
the real you.
Reading 'one of those websites' early this morning, you know, the ones written by people who don't bow down to the Federal Reserve Bank,, people who have read history and understand that history always likes to throw some surprises that challenge the souls of nations every forty years.
Well, I came across a post that ended by asking "have any of you gone from nut job to messiah in the past week?" Reading those words, something clicked and typed in
the following words as a reply:
You want some gold now honey? Here's my wedding ring. I've placed the house in your name. Oh, and the summer house too. Goodbye.
There! I said it! Instantly the spell was broken.
Hey, if I am walking down a dark street at night in a tough part of town, and a 300 pound hood yells at me, 'Hey jerk! I don't like you!' sure, I'll move to the other
side of the street and try to gracefully disappear. But when that someone who is laughing in your face, insulting you, mocking you, ridiculing you and that person
is the person you are married to, well, you got a problem. Of course there is a time where appeasement has its place. But when the hills outside of Rome are in flames, and the smoke starts drifting over the city gates, only a fool does nothing.
I've read it here and there, words about the importance of being mentally prepared.
Now I understand it. Mental preparation is more important that riches, possessions
or 'status, etc. With it you have a destiny. Without it, you are just a shell of a person going through the motions of pretend living.
Like Morgan Freeman knew, true freedom is not "out there." It's in your heart and mind. This is what I've learned this month. If I fall prey to thinking that my freedom lies in a stack of gold coins in a cold steel bank vault, then who's the
fool? Who's the Scrouge who has forgotten to love his neighbors? A man like that may walk the world with a full belly and sleep in satin sheets, but he will miss the priceless blessings that exist all around him.
Thank you wife for pissing me off enough to understand this.
The sad thing about my situation is that I am married to one of the most amazing women in the world. I don't say that lightly. It's just a fact. Added to this is that she could have been a famous movie star or model. She has that type of charismatic beauty and timeless grace. And then add to this that she is an amazing homemaker, the kind that gets down on her knees to scrub the bathroom floor. One would think that such a woman would intuitively understand the concept of storing food in one's home.
But living for more time than I wish to admit in a real-life theater of the bizarre finally got to me. When a man isn't happy to be in paradise, that's a sign. And so it was a week ago when I woke up in the guest room of our summer house. The full moon
lit up fields around our house. I tipped toed outside into the evening air, as shooting stars blazed across the dark sky. Returning to my bed, I knew something was
happening but didn't know what. I lay in bed experiencing this unknown feeling and stopped caring if I fell back to sleep.
Sitting at the breakfast table as the sun rose and the family lay sleeping, I noticed it. I was shaking, the way a child shakes after swimming in a cold lake.
But I wasn't in a lake, I was in my own home.
Husband: "Welcome to the modern world. A world where 2 trillion dollars can
evaporate in a day.
I'm glad I passed on our family's annual business meeting this weekend in California. By the time my wife and daughter arrived in Chicago to change planes for
San Francisco, the market had already dropped 418 points.
I could have used a weekend at that beautiful luxury resort on the California coast.
Walking on the spectacular beach with exotic driftwood. Wading in the glorious frothy surf and feeling the sweet breeze from Hawaii.
But I'm content staying here. I don't have a "home" anymore, I'm just "here." Being alone. It gives me time to think.
Thank God it's Friday. I can just picture the cocktail parties on
Martha's Vineyard this weekend. They won't be talking sports.
If I was ten years younger, I'd use this time to escape. I'd be packing my bags and on my way to the airport. To where? Anywhere. Singapore. Hong Kong. I'd just jump the open-air prison fence where I live and I'd be on my way. Just like Morgan Freeman at the end of the movie Shawshank Redemption. On my way to better life.
It's great being alone and walking around the yard, remembering all the happy times when our children would run and play and rough house with each other running barefoot in the grass. That's gold that no thief can steal.
Sure, I'll miss our beautiful country home. But I'd be a fool to complain. Ten years in a wonderful location is worth much more than money. And the money that I have lost this past year by being frozen out of the gold market by my wife's "court order" - well, I have to say that it pissed me off for a day or two. But in a way
it has helped to give me a more philosophical perspective on everything: money, life, health, freedom. I mean you can't take it with you. So who really cares if you
have ten instead of twenty gold coins in safe deposit box?
Well, for ten years, I did have gold coins in a safe deposit box. I had rolls and rolls of them at a bank in Toronto. It didn't make me any happier or wiser. One day I sold the coins. Hey, maybe that's why my wife is giving me such a hard time about
gold and silver?! For being such a fool for selling all that physical gold?! OK, I admit it. I was a fool. Young and foolish.
I guess that's the whole point that I am dealing with. You are who you are. The moment you pretend to be someone else, well, guess what? You've created your own
open-air prison! And because you are being a fool, chances are, unless you are a wise old men or woman, you are not going to admit it. You are going to spend your precious energy protecting your foolishness,. In doing so, you will never experience
the real you.
Reading 'one of those websites' early this morning, you know, the ones written by people who don't bow down to the Federal Reserve Bank,, people who have read history and understand that history always likes to throw some surprises that challenge the souls of nations every forty years.
Well, I came across a post that ended by asking "have any of you gone from nut job to messiah in the past week?" Reading those words, something clicked and typed in
the following words as a reply:
You want some gold now honey? Here's my wedding ring. I've placed the house in your name. Oh, and the summer house too. Goodbye.
There! I said it! Instantly the spell was broken.
Hey, if I am walking down a dark street at night in a tough part of town, and a 300 pound hood yells at me, 'Hey jerk! I don't like you!' sure, I'll move to the other
side of the street and try to gracefully disappear. But when that someone who is laughing in your face, insulting you, mocking you, ridiculing you and that person
is the person you are married to, well, you got a problem. Of course there is a time where appeasement has its place. But when the hills outside of Rome are in flames, and the smoke starts drifting over the city gates, only a fool does nothing.
I've read it here and there, words about the importance of being mentally prepared.
Now I understand it. Mental preparation is more important that riches, possessions
or 'status, etc. With it you have a destiny. Without it, you are just a shell of a person going through the motions of pretend living.
Like Morgan Freeman knew, true freedom is not "out there." It's in your heart and mind. This is what I've learned this month. If I fall prey to thinking that my freedom lies in a stack of gold coins in a cold steel bank vault, then who's the
fool? Who's the Scrouge who has forgotten to love his neighbors? A man like that may walk the world with a full belly and sleep in satin sheets, but he will miss the priceless blessings that exist all around him.
Thank you wife for pissing me off enough to understand this.
The sad thing about my situation is that I am married to one of the most amazing women in the world. I don't say that lightly. It's just a fact. Added to this is that she could have been a famous movie star or model. She has that type of charismatic beauty and timeless grace. And then add to this that she is an amazing homemaker, the kind that gets down on her knees to scrub the bathroom floor. One would think that such a woman would intuitively understand the concept of storing food in one's home.
But living for more time than I wish to admit in a real-life theater of the bizarre finally got to me. When a man isn't happy to be in paradise, that's a sign. And so it was a week ago when I woke up in the guest room of our summer house. The full moon
lit up fields around our house. I tipped toed outside into the evening air, as shooting stars blazed across the dark sky. Returning to my bed, I knew something was
happening but didn't know what. I lay in bed experiencing this unknown feeling and stopped caring if I fell back to sleep.
Sitting at the breakfast table as the sun rose and the family lay sleeping, I noticed it. I was shaking, the way a child shakes after swimming in a cold lake.
But I wasn't in a lake, I was in my own home.
Act 1
Opening scene:
A FedEx truck arrives at a house in the country and drops off
a plain brown package.
Wife: "What's that that just arrived?"
Husband: "Some seeds that I ordered."
Wife: "But we can buy seeds anywhere."
Husband: "Yeah, but I thought I'd order some special seeds for storage."
Wife: "Oh, geez! We don't need seeds. Are they organic?"
Husband: "Yes they are."
Wife: "Oh, I get it! You've been listening to those websites again!"
Husband: "Yes, I have and I'm glad of it. They help keep me abreast of what's
really going on in the world. Not like television that just wants you
to buy-buy-buy and pump dumb stuff into your mind. The websites that
you speak of help me better understand the concept of life insurance
in an increasingly unsure world! They are doing you and I a favor
that someday you will understand more fully."
Wife: "You are not well!!!" (said in angry put down tone)
Husband: "Oh, here we go again with the ridicule."
Wife: "You've been listening to those negative websites with all that gloom-
and-doom! They are just trying to sell you something!"
Husband: "Well, if you want to talk about - 'sell you something' - I'm thankful
that we finally canceled our cable TV subscription this summer.
Remember how defensive they were about us canceling?!
I'm glad I ordered the seeds. They are nitrogen-packed and stay fresh
for years.
Wife: "I've talked to people and they've all told me that they think that you
are bi-polar."
Husband: "Here we go again with the character assassination, etc."
Wife : "Why, you don't even know how to garden!"
Husband: "I know, but our daughter does. She really has a green thumb. This
year's garden at our summer house is fantastic! I got the seeds for
her and our son who likes the idea of being prepared.
Wife: "Why do always get so hyped up on all these different causes?! You are
tiring me out! We are just too different!!
Husband: "Yes, I'm a man and you are a woman. There are books about it!"(laugh)
Wife: "I can't take this anymore!! You just spend hours and hours on those
websites that are all gloom-and-doom!
Why don't you go play golf? ....You have no joy!"
Husband: "I have plenty of joy. I get joy in doing small things to be more
prepared. What's so bad about buying ten bars of locally-made soap
and storing them in our basement? I am not asking you to move to
Timbuktu.
I put the house in your name, didn't I so that you would feel more
secure.... well, stocking up on food makes me feel more secure and
our son thinks it's a great idea.
Wife: "Yeah, just like you did for Y2K!!! We live around plenty of stores in
our area."
Husband: "Y2K introduced me to the idea of being prepared in a modern world
that's built upon Just In Time delivery. I never used to think about
it, but this past winter when I went to the supermarket to stock up
on milk and spring water before a big snowstorm - I couldn't believe
what I saw. The shelves of bottled water were totally bare. It looked
like the Watts riots. Everything cleaned out.
It really got me thinking. Anyhow, I hate to shop. Every time I go
shopping these days it's a total mad house. I love shopping by mail
and buying things by the case. Anyhow, our cat doesn't like most
store-bought cat food anymore. Remember the three cases of cat food
that I ordered a few months ago and pestered me about, using every
opportunity to tell me that 'we don't need more cat food!!' every
time I went shopping. I love not having to run to the store to buy a
few cans of cat food. Life's too busy to spend all that time going
back and forth to the store just cat food.
Wife: "You are not ordering any of those #10 cans of food! We are not storing
tons of cans in our house!!! You did that for Y2K and remember how we
had to give away most of them when me moved - otherwise it would have
cost us tons extra money to ship them all the way across the country?!
I am not doing that again!!
Husband: "You know honey, I've mentioned it several times to you how the Red
Cross advises everyone to have a week's worth o food and water stored
for emergencies. Lots and lots of people are saying that it is a good
idea to be prepared for any type of emergency. Also, lately, I've
been realizing that buying things in bulk is a good way to save money.
Wife: "You are not storing cans of food in our house!!!
Husband: "Look at the stock market. It is scary! Aren't you concerned? Even Jim
Cramer says that if you are over 50 years, you shouldn't have that
much money invested in the stock market."
Wife: "The stock market is going to bounce back, it always does!"
Husband: "Well, I've been reading articles recently in the Wall Street Journal
and New York Times outlining just how big the financial problems in
our country are. I've sent you video after video of PH.D people at
Harvard, etc. saying that there are many perfect storms that can
happen. I mean, the problems are - global."
Wife: "You really need to see a psychiatrist! You are not well."
Husband: "Here you go again with the labels and put-downs. Listen, I've never
felt better. I am not saying that we should move to a cave in Utah or
northern Montana - all I am saying is that it makes sense to stock up
on some food, just like the Red Cross says. What's wrong with that?
We have plenty of room in the basement.
You know it's funny? If you were just a little bit different, you
would be really great at buying this and that and stocking up on
stuff. You would be much better than me! I grew up in the city but
you grew up in the country. And both your parents grew up on farms.
You should be grateful that I am not running to a lawyer and accusing
you of verbal harassment about me wanting to buy food."
Wife: "That's threatening talk!"
Husband: "I'm just kidding. But take a look at you, you are the one who is
being threatening. I was just going about my day, and a package
arrives and you run into my office and next thing I know you is
you freak out and tell me that I'm not well!
I am not threatening you. I am just trying to help you see how lucky
you are. I am not going to let you make me feel ungrateful. You
know, you should consider visiting a womens shelter and reflect on
how those women would love to have a home in the country. Do you
think they would be upset about having their husband store a few
packages of soup and cat food in their basement?
Wife: [wife gives no response]
Husband: "Do you really think this type of arguing over nothing is good for for
you or I? You know, you might want to spend a little more time being
more grateful for what you have, instead of trying to tell me what to
do.
Remember how I wanted to buy you that book about being grateful,
what's it called, Abundance something - and how I mentioned to you
that Oprah says that it's her favorite book? Remember how I said
that I wanted to order you a copy and you repeatedly told me not to
get it for you? Well, I am going to order it for you tonight.
Wife: [wife gives no response]
Husband: "On another note, are you going to keep your appointment later this
month with the psychiatrist that you forced me to go see last year?"
Wife: "Yes I am."
Husband: "Good. He's a nice guy. I enjoyed talking with him and I could tell
that he enjoyed talking with me. He didn't try to put me on any
drugs.
I remember I told him that you banned me from buying a few
gold coins - even after I wired some money to our checking account
exclusively for that purpose, and how you kept telling me to wait
another week and then another week because we had some extra bills.
I waited for two months and the money that I wired got used up. I told
him how you went ballistic when I finally opened a checking account in
my name at another bank in town so that I could wire some money from
my own account to buy some gold coins, and how you threatened to
divorce me that if I didn't close the account.
Wife: [wife gives no response]
Husband: Remember the couple meeting we had with him after my initial three
sessions with him and how I told him point blank that you are on a
mission, mission to try and get me on some type of pharmaceutical drug
so that you can control me?
Hey, if you want to talk to a shrink or therapist then go ahead. In
fact, I think it might make you feel better. It's just not my cup of
tea. I hope you do go see him - a few more times. In fact, tell him
that I want to pay for three more sessions for you. But this time, I'm
not driving you there. Spend a night at a hotel and go shopping."
Wife: "Calm down, now, I am going to see him."
Husband: "I am calm. I am glad that we are talking. I like talking about our
marriage and the markets. Our childrens accounts fell 25 percent in
the past week. I'm just tryig to talk about it. I am not going to let
it upset me. But I'll tell you one thing honey, I am not going to let
you tell me how to talk, how to walk and how to think. I am proud
that I am the way I am.
You know, you are lucky I don't film us talking like this and put it
on You Tube and let people vote. It really would make great reality
video.
Speaking of videos, I've been sending you videos and articles
articles in the Wall Street Journal and New York Times for over a
year about how many money managers recommend that their clients put
5% of their money into gold. I mean the stock market isn't play
money. Why hasn't your money manager suggested this?
I gave you a copy of Jim Cramer's book where he points out that even
people with lots of money get left by the wayside. Money managers
don't care about people like us! And even if they did, they just
physically don't have the time to manage thousands of accounts.
Why even the Wall Street Journal says that Buy and Hold is an
out-dated investment strategy. This is why for a year I've been
sending you the links for the 1 year, 2 year, 5 year and 10 year gold
charts. Compare them to your chart for Microsoft."
Wife:: "There are many stocks that if you had bought them ten years ago, those
stocks would be up two or three fold. I don't want to sell a stock and
pay a 15% capital gains tax. Gold is just another bubble!"
Husband: "During the past year gold has gone from 1100 to 1700."
Wife: "It will go down. Thank goodness we all didn't invest in that gold ETF
that you hounded us about for months!
Husband: "I know. But I did watch it carefully and finally got out at with a
nice profit. I learned my lesson: - paper is paper. Paper promises.
You know honey, you sure are one tough cookie. You would really make
a great defense attorney."
(Husband walks back into his home office and closes the door gently)
- Two months later -
...as the snow begins to fall -
Radio report: "This is a News Bulletin from the the U.S. National Weather
Service: a major snowstorm is forecast to arrive early tomorrow
morning. 24" of wet snow is expected along the southern sections
of the state, 36-39" of snow mixed with freezing rain is
expected to fall in the center regions of the state. Be advised
this is a major snowstorm."
Husband: Honey, I just checked and we are almost out of cat food. I'm off to
the supermarket to stock up.
(Getting in his car the husband turns on the radio and suddenly hears the
end of the second verse of "Precious Angel" - "The truth's in our hearts
and we still don't believe."*
(Husband turns and looks at the audience)
Husband: "They say that the Lord sometimes moves in mysterious ways. It's
funny, my wife's stubborness has a beauty to it.
It's helped toughen me up. I guess my wife is like the father that I
never knew. If I had jumped ship after twenty years of marriage, I
would have missed this lesson - and be talking to a psychiatrist!
(laugh) It hasn't been easy but I'm glad I stuck it out and made it
past the arches of 30 years of marriage.
Sure, there is a time and place to be long-suffering. But not when
you're country is going up in flames. The bottom line is, I've had
plenty of love, but now it's time for me to protect our children from
the foibles of femininity.
Dylan was right - it's spiritual warfare.
I could choose to do nothing. Just sit back and relax and mow the
lawn. But something is telling me to act, to take action and to be
around people who understand what is going on. People who are into
reality.
I can't live in an open-air prison any longer. I'm tired of getting
hit over the head with a frying pan.**
I'm not running away - I am running into it. Running into reality.
Reality that's being broadcast around the world on You Tube.
I've already lost my home. I just pay the bills. I've already lost my
wife. I just sleep in the guest room to not cause a ruckus. No, "you
can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get
what you need."***
Thank you Oprah for telling the world about that Simple Abundance
book, so I can be grateful for this day.
End of Act 1
All words copyright 2011 New_Day / except
*"Precious Angel" by Bob Dylan
** Hank Williams lyrical reference
*** "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by Jagger & Richards
A FedEx truck arrives at a house in the country and drops off
a plain brown package.
Wife: "What's that that just arrived?"
Husband: "Some seeds that I ordered."
Wife: "But we can buy seeds anywhere."
Husband: "Yeah, but I thought I'd order some special seeds for storage."
Wife: "Oh, geez! We don't need seeds. Are they organic?"
Husband: "Yes they are."
Wife: "Oh, I get it! You've been listening to those websites again!"
Husband: "Yes, I have and I'm glad of it. They help keep me abreast of what's
really going on in the world. Not like television that just wants you
to buy-buy-buy and pump dumb stuff into your mind. The websites that
you speak of help me better understand the concept of life insurance
in an increasingly unsure world! They are doing you and I a favor
that someday you will understand more fully."
Wife: "You are not well!!!" (said in angry put down tone)
Husband: "Oh, here we go again with the ridicule."
Wife: "You've been listening to those negative websites with all that gloom-
and-doom! They are just trying to sell you something!"
Husband: "Well, if you want to talk about - 'sell you something' - I'm thankful
that we finally canceled our cable TV subscription this summer.
Remember how defensive they were about us canceling?!
I'm glad I ordered the seeds. They are nitrogen-packed and stay fresh
for years.
Wife: "I've talked to people and they've all told me that they think that you
are bi-polar."
Husband: "Here we go again with the character assassination, etc."
Wife : "Why, you don't even know how to garden!"
Husband: "I know, but our daughter does. She really has a green thumb. This
year's garden at our summer house is fantastic! I got the seeds for
her and our son who likes the idea of being prepared.
Wife: "Why do always get so hyped up on all these different causes?! You are
tiring me out! We are just too different!!
Husband: "Yes, I'm a man and you are a woman. There are books about it!"(laugh)
Wife: "I can't take this anymore!! You just spend hours and hours on those
websites that are all gloom-and-doom!
Why don't you go play golf? ....You have no joy!"
Husband: "I have plenty of joy. I get joy in doing small things to be more
prepared. What's so bad about buying ten bars of locally-made soap
and storing them in our basement? I am not asking you to move to
Timbuktu.
I put the house in your name, didn't I so that you would feel more
secure.... well, stocking up on food makes me feel more secure and
our son thinks it's a great idea.
Wife: "Yeah, just like you did for Y2K!!! We live around plenty of stores in
our area."
Husband: "Y2K introduced me to the idea of being prepared in a modern world
that's built upon Just In Time delivery. I never used to think about
it, but this past winter when I went to the supermarket to stock up
on milk and spring water before a big snowstorm - I couldn't believe
what I saw. The shelves of bottled water were totally bare. It looked
like the Watts riots. Everything cleaned out.
It really got me thinking. Anyhow, I hate to shop. Every time I go
shopping these days it's a total mad house. I love shopping by mail
and buying things by the case. Anyhow, our cat doesn't like most
store-bought cat food anymore. Remember the three cases of cat food
that I ordered a few months ago and pestered me about, using every
opportunity to tell me that 'we don't need more cat food!!' every
time I went shopping. I love not having to run to the store to buy a
few cans of cat food. Life's too busy to spend all that time going
back and forth to the store just cat food.
Wife: "You are not ordering any of those #10 cans of food! We are not storing
tons of cans in our house!!! You did that for Y2K and remember how we
had to give away most of them when me moved - otherwise it would have
cost us tons extra money to ship them all the way across the country?!
I am not doing that again!!
Husband: "You know honey, I've mentioned it several times to you how the Red
Cross advises everyone to have a week's worth o food and water stored
for emergencies. Lots and lots of people are saying that it is a good
idea to be prepared for any type of emergency. Also, lately, I've
been realizing that buying things in bulk is a good way to save money.
Wife: "You are not storing cans of food in our house!!!
Husband: "Look at the stock market. It is scary! Aren't you concerned? Even Jim
Cramer says that if you are over 50 years, you shouldn't have that
much money invested in the stock market."
Wife: "The stock market is going to bounce back, it always does!"
Husband: "Well, I've been reading articles recently in the Wall Street Journal
and New York Times outlining just how big the financial problems in
our country are. I've sent you video after video of PH.D people at
Harvard, etc. saying that there are many perfect storms that can
happen. I mean, the problems are - global."
Wife: "You really need to see a psychiatrist! You are not well."
Husband: "Here you go again with the labels and put-downs. Listen, I've never
felt better. I am not saying that we should move to a cave in Utah or
northern Montana - all I am saying is that it makes sense to stock up
on some food, just like the Red Cross says. What's wrong with that?
We have plenty of room in the basement.
You know it's funny? If you were just a little bit different, you
would be really great at buying this and that and stocking up on
stuff. You would be much better than me! I grew up in the city but
you grew up in the country. And both your parents grew up on farms.
You should be grateful that I am not running to a lawyer and accusing
you of verbal harassment about me wanting to buy food."
Wife: "That's threatening talk!"
Husband: "I'm just kidding. But take a look at you, you are the one who is
being threatening. I was just going about my day, and a package
arrives and you run into my office and next thing I know you is
you freak out and tell me that I'm not well!
I am not threatening you. I am just trying to help you see how lucky
you are. I am not going to let you make me feel ungrateful. You
know, you should consider visiting a womens shelter and reflect on
how those women would love to have a home in the country. Do you
think they would be upset about having their husband store a few
packages of soup and cat food in their basement?
Wife: [wife gives no response]
Husband: "Do you really think this type of arguing over nothing is good for for
you or I? You know, you might want to spend a little more time being
more grateful for what you have, instead of trying to tell me what to
do.
Remember how I wanted to buy you that book about being grateful,
what's it called, Abundance something - and how I mentioned to you
that Oprah says that it's her favorite book? Remember how I said
that I wanted to order you a copy and you repeatedly told me not to
get it for you? Well, I am going to order it for you tonight.
Wife: [wife gives no response]
Husband: "On another note, are you going to keep your appointment later this
month with the psychiatrist that you forced me to go see last year?"
Wife: "Yes I am."
Husband: "Good. He's a nice guy. I enjoyed talking with him and I could tell
that he enjoyed talking with me. He didn't try to put me on any
drugs.
I remember I told him that you banned me from buying a few
gold coins - even after I wired some money to our checking account
exclusively for that purpose, and how you kept telling me to wait
another week and then another week because we had some extra bills.
I waited for two months and the money that I wired got used up. I told
him how you went ballistic when I finally opened a checking account in
my name at another bank in town so that I could wire some money from
my own account to buy some gold coins, and how you threatened to
divorce me that if I didn't close the account.
Wife: [wife gives no response]
Husband: Remember the couple meeting we had with him after my initial three
sessions with him and how I told him point blank that you are on a
mission, mission to try and get me on some type of pharmaceutical drug
so that you can control me?
Hey, if you want to talk to a shrink or therapist then go ahead. In
fact, I think it might make you feel better. It's just not my cup of
tea. I hope you do go see him - a few more times. In fact, tell him
that I want to pay for three more sessions for you. But this time, I'm
not driving you there. Spend a night at a hotel and go shopping."
Wife: "Calm down, now, I am going to see him."
Husband: "I am calm. I am glad that we are talking. I like talking about our
marriage and the markets. Our childrens accounts fell 25 percent in
the past week. I'm just tryig to talk about it. I am not going to let
it upset me. But I'll tell you one thing honey, I am not going to let
you tell me how to talk, how to walk and how to think. I am proud
that I am the way I am.
You know, you are lucky I don't film us talking like this and put it
on You Tube and let people vote. It really would make great reality
video.
Speaking of videos, I've been sending you videos and articles
articles in the Wall Street Journal and New York Times for over a
year about how many money managers recommend that their clients put
5% of their money into gold. I mean the stock market isn't play
money. Why hasn't your money manager suggested this?
I gave you a copy of Jim Cramer's book where he points out that even
people with lots of money get left by the wayside. Money managers
don't care about people like us! And even if they did, they just
physically don't have the time to manage thousands of accounts.
Why even the Wall Street Journal says that Buy and Hold is an
out-dated investment strategy. This is why for a year I've been
sending you the links for the 1 year, 2 year, 5 year and 10 year gold
charts. Compare them to your chart for Microsoft."
Wife:: "There are many stocks that if you had bought them ten years ago, those
stocks would be up two or three fold. I don't want to sell a stock and
pay a 15% capital gains tax. Gold is just another bubble!"
Husband: "During the past year gold has gone from 1100 to 1700."
Wife: "It will go down. Thank goodness we all didn't invest in that gold ETF
that you hounded us about for months!
Husband: "I know. But I did watch it carefully and finally got out at with a
nice profit. I learned my lesson: - paper is paper. Paper promises.
You know honey, you sure are one tough cookie. You would really make
a great defense attorney."
(Husband walks back into his home office and closes the door gently)
- Two months later -
...as the snow begins to fall -
Radio report: "This is a News Bulletin from the the U.S. National Weather
Service: a major snowstorm is forecast to arrive early tomorrow
morning. 24" of wet snow is expected along the southern sections
of the state, 36-39" of snow mixed with freezing rain is
expected to fall in the center regions of the state. Be advised
this is a major snowstorm."
Husband: Honey, I just checked and we are almost out of cat food. I'm off to
the supermarket to stock up.
(Getting in his car the husband turns on the radio and suddenly hears the
end of the second verse of "Precious Angel" - "The truth's in our hearts
and we still don't believe."*
(Husband turns and looks at the audience)
Husband: "They say that the Lord sometimes moves in mysterious ways. It's
funny, my wife's stubborness has a beauty to it.
It's helped toughen me up. I guess my wife is like the father that I
never knew. If I had jumped ship after twenty years of marriage, I
would have missed this lesson - and be talking to a psychiatrist!
(laugh) It hasn't been easy but I'm glad I stuck it out and made it
past the arches of 30 years of marriage.
Sure, there is a time and place to be long-suffering. But not when
you're country is going up in flames. The bottom line is, I've had
plenty of love, but now it's time for me to protect our children from
the foibles of femininity.
Dylan was right - it's spiritual warfare.
I could choose to do nothing. Just sit back and relax and mow the
lawn. But something is telling me to act, to take action and to be
around people who understand what is going on. People who are into
reality.
I can't live in an open-air prison any longer. I'm tired of getting
hit over the head with a frying pan.**
I'm not running away - I am running into it. Running into reality.
Reality that's being broadcast around the world on You Tube.
I've already lost my home. I just pay the bills. I've already lost my
wife. I just sleep in the guest room to not cause a ruckus. No, "you
can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get
what you need."***
Thank you Oprah for telling the world about that Simple Abundance
book, so I can be grateful for this day.
End of Act 1
All words copyright 2011 New_Day / except
*"Precious Angel" by Bob Dylan
** Hank Williams lyrical reference
*** "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by Jagger & Richards
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